Facing Change: A Reflection on Discomfort
I hate change. It is ironic really, because of all the things I teach, one of my favorite things to talk about and explore with groups is the ‘process of change.’ So much so that I have an entire chapter in my upcoming book Mapito dedicated to the process of change. This is the process that our body and mind go through when something big or small shifts in our life. From a shift in a job title to moving to another country. From the birth of someone close to us to a thought that pops into our head and our thinking changes. Big or small, internal or external, change happens often and when it does, our lives can become upended and we enter this process of change.
There are five stages to this process with the middle one being chaos. It is when we feel that the ground under our feet is shifting, nothing feels the same anymore, we feel so lost and uncomfortable. We can’t go back to the old, but we have not yet integrated the new. Everything feels unstable, disconnected, overwhelming.
I am in the middle of a huge change in my life. My wife and I recently moved and it feels that it is taking so much longer to get the house in order than it did in the past. Perhaps because we are older and dealing with all that comes along with that, or maybe because as I often say—change takes time—and we need to give it that. Even as I know all that, I am still fighting it.
Last week, in the middle of an important video call, my internet went out. I was already having an allergic reaction from something I ate a few days before, so my body felt itchy and irritable. This was one more thing to navigate.
I unplugged the computer and then the router, trying over and over again to reboot it. When it dawned on me that I could not fix it, I went outside, and low and behold, there was construction happening down the block. There was a part of me that wanted to yell at the guy down the street working, at the world for putting me in this position, for all the ways in which technology is the greatest gift when it works and the most frustrating when it does not.
And then a part of me dissociated and I moved into what I needed to do next. I walked to a nearby park and logged back into the call, somewhat frazzled and grateful for the other people on the call who took it all in stride.
After the call, I went back into the house and, thankfully, the internet had booted up again and was working fine. But I realized I wasn’t. My nervous system felt overloaded. I could feel the desire to shake, to cry, to yell, to get onto social media and just dissociate and scroll, to take my mind off of what was happening in my life.
Change takes time, it begs us to integrate the new, to go slower, to not jump from one thing to the next.
As I opened my phone to start scrolling, my own words that I use for clients came back to me. Stop, allow yourself to feel, don’t run away from what is happening in the moment. See if you can give yourself permission to just feel for 30 seconds. So, I stopped. I didn’t create the powerpoint I needed to, instead I journaled and breathed and ate. Then I stretched my body, sang, washed dishes, and allowed myself to notice that I’m going through a lot. My mind and body are overwhelmed by a new routine, a new space, new rhythms.
Once I took care of myself, at least for a moment, my body could relax, my mind could let go and I was able to stay in the discomfort of the situation. I no longer needed to get on my phone for the dopamine hit I was seeking, I had given my mind and body presence, care, and attention. It wasn’t easy, it wasn’t quick, but it allowed me to find my balance and that felt good to my system.
Starting that day, I slowed down all of it. I began to create space to integrate this new reality, to listen, and sing music that soothes me. To give my parts more and more time to integrate this new reality. To be kinder to myself and this change.
When you are going through change - what helps you?
Many blessings,
Chani
P.S.: Some of you have asked if the book release event is public. YES!!! I would love to see you there. I'll be doing a reading, answering questions, and signing books. It is a ticketed event. Early bird pricing ends on March 31st and ticket sales end on April 15th.
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